Friday, April 06, 2007

just let me talk it all out.

i need to know more friends. to spice up my life. not saying that jerry is not enough, its just life. you do need to have a good love life and a good social life right? but my social life is just empty. germaine and all are more extroverted, i am sure they do not have much problem in knowing new friends. its just going to be weird to suddenly pop out again since they have all moved on with their life, knowing new people etc. randomly, in my life, i feel like i have been staying in a cage and not knowing how to break out of it.

i always have similar dreams. one of them is whenever i try to fight back, i would feel so helpless, so weak that i cant even lift my hand to just push the person, making the person seem strong. you know that kind of so helpless feeling, you so want to but just cant do it? then today it just came like a revelation to me that its because i always think that the thing opposing my will is too strong for me. i dont know what to think for the revelation, i dont know how it came about, it just hit me.
i dont think any one who read this will know what i am talking about, nobody actually knows what i am saying most of the time. do i speak alien? damn, i am talking nonsensical things again. sometimes i just dont understand what i am saying either, or why i say it. i hate myself for saying things sometimes and just dont know how to explain it to the person the reason for saying it. i do things that goes against my will ,i do things i dont know why i do it. i do things that makes my life more complicated. i cant be the person i want to be but i cant be the person that i dont want to be either. i am always in a dilemma. i gave up my passion and now i can never turn back. i live my life with regrets, so many things that tested my endurance. and i admit i portraited myself in different faces in front of different people. i dont know how to make choices in my life. the best thing in life, is that you can make a choice, but i dont know how to do it, i cant bring myself to be the choice i make. ironic i know.

{ 11:13 PM